Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

"That's not gonna work" she said. "It sure does" I said, " It's the only way I can see the numbers"

My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0 to 200 in seconds.

Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"

More Dad Jokes for Adults

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

She said yes, all the others were nines and tens.

Why did the coffee file a police report?

It got mugged.

My boss told me to have a good day.

So I went home.