Best Dad Jokes

I'm thinking about removing my spine.

To the man who invented zero:

My dad died when we couldn't remember his blood type.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

I just found out I'm colorblind.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

What do you call someone who tells dad jokes but isn't a dad?

I used to run a dating service for chickens.

What did the left eye say to the right eye?

I tried to catch fog yesterday.

Why did the stadium get hot after the game?

Mountains aren't just funny.

I couldn't figure out how to fasten my seatbelt.

How do you make holy water?

Three guys walked into a bar.

Singing in the shower is fun until you get soap in your mouth.

I'm not a fan of stairs.

What do you call a magician who lost their magic?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

What do you call a Frenchman wearing sandals?

Why do bees hum?

I asked my date to meet me at the gym.

What do dentists call their x-rays?

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

My doctor told me I had Type A blood.

What do you call a number that can't keep still?

I went to buy some camo pants.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

What does a nosy pepper do?

I gave away all my dead batteries today.

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

I told my son I was named after George Washington.

I've got a chicken-proof front lawn.

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the supply closet?

I've been reading a book about mazes and labyrinths.

I used to work at a calendar factory.

Why don't melons get married?

I'm no good at math, but I know that happiness is multiplied when shared.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

I lost my job at the bank on my first day.

I wondered why the frisbee kept getting bigger.

Why can't a leopard hide?

I bought the world's worst dictionary.

What do you get when you put a vest on an alligator?

I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

What do you call a man with no nose and no body?

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes on them?

A man walks into a library and asks for books about paranoia.

I stayed up all night wondering where the sun went.

My wife accused me of being immature.

What do you call a dog that does magic?

I have a joke about paper.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

What kind of music do chiropractors listen to?

Why did the coffee call the police?

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at school?

I was really struggling to understand how lightning works.

What do you call two octopuses that look the same?

I'm addicted to brake fluid.

What did the math teacher say about the student's geometry test?

I used to work at a paper shop.

Why did the man get hit by a bike every day?

What's the best time to go to the dentist?

I found a wooden shoe in my toilet today.

My landlord says he wants to talk to me about my high heating bill.

Why did the computer go to the doctor?

I tried to organize a professional hide-and-seek tournament.

Two goldfish are in a tank.

I know a lot of jokes about retired people.

I'm reading a horror story in braille.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

I have a joke about time travel.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

What has four wheels and flies?

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

I don't trust those trees.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

People who use selfie sticks really need to take a long, hard look at themselves.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"

I just got a new job at a bakery.

What's brown and sticky?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

A man walked into a library and asked for books about paranoia.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Why did the belt get arrested?

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop.

My wife told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

I went to a wedding where two antenna met.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

What does a house wear?

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

I gave all my dead batteries away today.

What do Swedish warships have printed on them?

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I don't get why people say "break a leg" when you go on stage.

What does a baby computer call his father?

I'm reading a book about submarines.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

How does Moses make his coffee?

What do you call a man who can't stand?

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer."

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

To the person who invented zero:

My doctor said I was going deaf.

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

I had a dream I was a muffler last night.

I used to be a personal trainer, but then I gave my too weak notice.

I'm afraid for the calendar.

Dear Math, grow up and solve your own problems.

You know what's really odd?

Why do fathers bring an extra pair of socks when they play golf?

Wanna hear a joke about a piece of paper?

I used to be a banker.

What did Baby Corn say to Mama Corn?

I had a dream that I weighed less than a thousandth of a gram.

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

What country's capital is growing the fastest?

I once got fired from a canned juice company.

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What do you call a toothless bear?

I've been told I'm condescending.

Did you hear about the circus fire?

Can February March?

I have a joke about trickle-down economics.

Spring is here! I got so excited I wet my plants.

I once had a dream I was floating in an ocean of orange soda.

What do you call a factory that sells passable products?

How do astronomers organize a party?

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet.

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?

Why do Swedish warships have barcodes printed on them?

I went to a wedding where two antennas met on a roof.

My wife told me I was acting like a flamingo.

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

I tried to catch some fog yesterday.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the elementary school?

I tried to sue the airport for losing my luggage.

What do you call a belt made out of watches?

I went to buy some camo trousers.

I've been thinking about removing my spine.

What do you call a fake noodle?

What did the drummer name his twin daughters?

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

My landlord texted me saying we need to talk about how high my heating bill is.

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl go to the bathroom?

I have a joke about time travel, but I'm not going to share it.