My wife told me to go and get something that makes her look hot.
So I got a bottle of vodka.
So I got a bottle of vodka.
Vodka doesn't make the wife look hot — it makes the husband's perception shift so that she appears more attractive. The burn is complete and airtight: the husband has confirmed that his standard sober opinion of his wife's appearance requires chemical assistance to improve. He thinks he's been helpful. He has not.
Return home with the vodka with genuine pride and zero awareness that you've just committed a devastating act of accidental self-incrimination.
Perfect for:
Double entendres have been a staple of comedy since Shakespeare — many of his plays are packed with innuendo that would make even modern audiences blush.
How are men like parking spots?
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I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.
She said she didn't have time.
What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?
About 30 pounds.
I just found out my wife has been faking her orgasms for years.
I know, because she told me while I was awake.
My wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.
She said, "That's not going to help." I said, "Sure it will. It's the only way I can see the numbers."
My wife texted me "I'm leaving you."
Then she texted, "Sorry, wrong chat." I'm still not sure which message was worse.
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