25+ Best Dad Jokes Ever That'll Make You Groan

I'm reading a horror story in braille.

Why did the old man fall in the well?

The rotation of Earth really makes my day.

I have a joke about time travel.

How do you follow Will Smith in the snow?

What has four wheels and flies?

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

I don't trust those trees.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low.

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

People who use selfie sticks really need to take a long, hard look at themselves.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

Justice is a dish best served cold.

I bought the world's worst thesaurus yesterday.

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

My friend says to me, "What rhymes with orange?"

I just got a new job at a bakery.

What's brown and sticky?

My therapist says I have a preoccupation with vengeance.

Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda?

I'm so good at sleeping.

You know what the loudest pet you can get is?

I can't believe I got fired from the calendar factory.

My boss asked me why I only get sick on work days.

I wanted to go on a diet, but I feel like I have way too much on my plate right now.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.

I stayed up all night to see where the sun went.

A man walked into a library and asked for books about paranoia.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day.

My wife accused me of being immature.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

My friend asked me to help him round up his 37 sheep.

I lost my job at the bank on my very first day.

How do you make a Kleenex dance?

Why did the belt get arrested?

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

Two goldfish are sitting in a tank.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop.

My wife told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo.

What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?

People who take care of chickens are literally chicken tenders.

I went to a wedding where two antenna met.

My grandfather has the heart of a lion.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

Did you hear about the kidnapping at the school?

What does a house wear?

I tried to sue the airport for misplacing my luggage.

Why did the golfer wear two pairs of pants?

I just broke up with my mathematician girlfriend.

What do you call a man with a rubber toe?

I gave all my dead batteries away today.

What do Swedish warships have printed on them?

I'm addicted to collecting vintage Beatles albums.

My landlord texted saying we need to meet up and talk about how high my heating bill is.

I don't get why people say "break a leg" when you go on stage.

I'm so good at sleeping.

What does a baby computer call his father?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I'm reading a book about submarines.

The shovel was a ground-breaking invention.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

I'm addicted to brake fluid.

How does Moses make his coffee?

What do you call a man who can't stand?

I ordered a chicken and an egg online.

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer."

I know a lot of jokes about retired people.

When two vegans get in an argument, is it still called a beef?

To the person who invented zero:

My doctor said I was going deaf.

What do you call a bear with no socks on?

I had a dream I was a muffler last night.

I used to be a personal trainer, but then I gave my too weak notice.

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?