Dad Jokes for Birthday Cards

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

My wife says I have two faults.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I finally found out why my car was making that whining noise.

My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her the glue stick.

My wife blocked me on all social media.

I spent $100 on a belt that didn't fit.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

My wife said she wanted to feel special on Valentine's Day.

My wife told me I was average.

My wife says I only have two faults.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

My wife said she needed more space.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

My wife keeps saying our house is haunted.

My wife asked me to go get something that makes her look sexy.

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.

My wife asked me if I was listening to her.

My wife said I need to be more affectionate.

My wife texted me a heart emoji.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low.

My wife left me because I'm insecure.

My wife walked in on me while I was getting dressed after a shower.

I have a great joke about nepotism.

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary.

My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0 to 200 in seconds.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

My son asked me to put his shoes on.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?

I asked my dad for his best dad joke.

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she's going to slam my head on the keyboard.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

My wife told me to whisper dirty things in her ear.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't stop playing video games.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

My wife texted me "I'm leaving you."

My wife just caught me blowing my nose on the bedsheets.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

My wife asked me to get "ribbed" condoms from the store.

My wife and I have decided we don't want children.

My wife just found out I've been cheating on her with a blind woman.

My wife dresses to kill.

My marriage is like a deck of cards.

My wife said I was immature and needed to grow up.

What's the difference between a bonus and a male body part?

I saw my wife's face in the mirror this morning and it scared me.

My wife told me to go and get something that makes her look hot.

My wife told me to stop playing Russian roulette.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

My wife said she wanted to feel like a princess.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

I told my son I was named after George Washington.

I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

My wife accused me of being immature.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop.

My wife told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

What does a baby computer call his father?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer."

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

My wife told me I was acting like a flamingo.

My wife accused me of being immature.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

My wife asked me to stop singing "Wonderwall" to her.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas...

Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Why did the snowman want a divorce?

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall...