Birthday Card Jokes

I finally found out why my car was making that whining noise.

I have a great joke about nepotism.

When does a joke become a dad joke?

My son asked me to put his shoes on.

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?

I asked my dad for his best dad joke.

My wife and I have decided we don't want children.

If a child refuses to sleep during nap time,

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson.

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

I told my son I was named after George Washington.

I couldn't believe the highway department called my dad a thief.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I told my doctor I broke my arm in two places.

My wife accused me of being immature.

I didn't want to believe that my dad was stealing from his job as a traffic cop.

What does a baby computer call his father?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

Why do fathers bring an extra pair of socks when they play golf?

My wife accused me of being immature.

If a child refuses to nap, are they guilty of resisting a rest?

I got my daughter a fridge for her birthday.

Why did the shark spit out the clown?

Where do mice park their boats?

Why do pandas like old movies?

Why do flamingos stand on one leg?

Why are teddy bears never hungry?

What do you call a zebra with no stripes?

What did the fish say when it swam into a wall?

Why did the pony get sent to his room?

Why did the snake cross the road?

Why are fish so smart?

Why don't dogs make good dancers?

Why did the elephant leave the circus?

Why do wolves howl at the moon?

Why did the scarecrow become a successful football player?

Why did the basketball player bring a ladder to the game?

Why did the soccer player wear sunglasses?

What did the football say to the goalpost?

Why do scuba divers fall backwards off the boat?

What did the bowling ball say to the pins?

What do you call a basketball game with no ball?

What do you call a running back who also carries groceries?

Why did the golfer wear plaid?

What did the pitcher say to the batter on Valentine's Day?

Why did the tomato turn red?

Why did the mushroom get invited to the party?

Why do French people eat snails?

Why did the peach go to the salon?

What did the cake say to the fork?

What did the pear say to the other pear?

What do you call a pepperoni pizza that has fallen asleep?

What do you call a turkey on the day after Thanksgiving?

Why was the cucumber so chill?

Why can't you trust an atom?

Why do scientists not trust stairs?

Why can't you trust the king of the jungle to take a test?

Why did the molecule cross the road?

What did the mitochondria say to the cell?

Why is the sun so popular?

Why are quantum physicists bad at love?

Why did the astronaut break up with his girlfriend?

What is a chemist's favorite holiday?

Why did the glacier move so slowly?

Why did the moon skip dinner?

Why is a black hole so negative?

What did Gregor Mendel say to his plants?

Why are electrons never invited to parties?

My boss told me to have a good day...

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

My coworker says I'm too competitive...

I got a job as a human cannonball...

Why did the computer go to the doctor at work?

My boss said to dress for the job I want...

My boss said nothing is impossible...

My coworker said I'm immature...

Why was six afraid of seven?

Why was the math book sad?

How do you stay warm in a cold room?

Why did the student eat his math homework?

Why is six afraid to go camping?

Why did the right angle go to the beach?

Why was the math exam crying?

Why should you never talk to pi?

What do mathematicians eat on Halloween?

What did the isosceles triangle say to the scalene triangle?

Why did the variable feel so uncertain?

What did the square say to the old circle?

Why did the obtuse angle go to the beach?

What did the pencil say to the ruler?

Why did five go to the therapist?

Why did the Pilgrim cross the road?

Why did the cranberries turn red?

If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?

What do you call a turkey with no feathers?

What do turkeys give thanks for?

What did the turkey say when he met the president?

Why did the sweet potato blush at the dinner table?

Why did the turkey sit across from everyone at the table?

What do you call a turkey that's been in the sun too long?

What did the turkey wish for at Thanksgiving?

Why did everyone fall asleep after Thanksgiving dinner?

Why did the green bean casserole feel left out?

Why don't skeletons fight each other?

Why did the skeleton go to the party alone?

Why did the skeleton stay home from the party?

Why do ghosts make bad liars?

Why did the zombie become a gardener?

Why did the zombie fail his driving test?

Why did the ghost starch his sheets?

Why didn't the skeleton ask anyone to prom?

Why don't mummies have many friends?

What did the ghost say to the wall?

Why was the snowman looking through the carrots?

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas?

What falls at the North Pole but never gets hurt?

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas...

Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace?

What do you call a snowman party?

Why is Santa so good at gardening?

What do snowmen do on the weekend?

What kind of ball doesn't bounce at Christmas?

What do you call a reindeer with no eyes and no legs?

What does a grumpy sheep say at Christmas?

What do you call an elf wearing earmuffs?

Why is Santa always so jolly?

Why did the reindeer wear sunglasses?

What goes 'Oh, Oh, Oh'?

What do you call a snowman in the tropics?

Why was the advent calendar afraid?

Why did the Nutcracker go to therapy?

When does a joke become a dad joke?

I wouldn't buy anything with Velcro...

What did the ocean say to the dad?

Dad, did you get a haircut?

What time did the dad go to the dentist?

I told my son I was named after Thomas Jefferson...

Dad, can you put the cat out?

Dad, can you put my shoes on?

Why did the dad bring a ladder to the bar?

What does a nosy pepper do?

I don't trust stairs...

Dad, I'm hungry.

My kids made me breakfast in bed for Father's Day...

What did the dad tomato say to the baby tomato?

My dad said he was going to the store to get milk...

Why did the dad bring a ruler to bed?

What does a dad do when he finds a good deal?

Dad, why is the sky blue?

Why do dads always know when someone touches the thermostat?

My dad told me to embrace my mistakes...

I asked my dad how he stays so cool...

Why do dads love hardware stores?

Why did the dad stare at the can of orange juice?

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

My dad told me he was a man of few words...

What do you call a dad sleeping on the couch with the TV on?

What did the dad volcano say to the baby volcano?

Dad, I feel like a deck of cards...

What do you call a dad at a water park?

Why do dads never get lost?

Why did the dad stare at the wall?

Why do dads always have the TV remote?

What do you call a dad who thinks he can fix everything?

Why did the dad put his money in the freezer?

Why are dads like good parking spaces?

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

What do you call a fake noodle?

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

I told my computer I needed a break.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Why did the math book look so sad?

I'm afraid for the calendar.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

I just got hit by a rented car.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

How do you organize a space party?

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Why did the coffee go to the police?

What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

Why do bees have sticky hair?

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Why did the banker quit his job?

What do you call a group of disorganized cats?

Why don't scientists trust stairs?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

What do you call a snowman with a temper?

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

I tried to write a joke about a pencil.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

Why don't melons get married?

I made a belt out of watches once.

What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words?

Why did the old man fall in the well?

What do you call a cow on a trampoline?

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

Why did the picture go to jail?

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Why did the belt get arrested?

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.

What do you call a lazy spider?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

I just found out I'm colorblind.

What do you call a singing laptop?

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Why do crabs never give to charity?

I used to be a shoe salesman.

What do you call a toothless bear?

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

I tried to start a hot air balloon business.

What do you call a magician that loses their magic?

Why did the man run around his bed?

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

What do you call a cow during an earthquake?

Why did the man put his money in the blender?

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Why do nurses like red crayons?

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger.

What did the plumber say when he got bored?

Why do peppers make such bad gossips?

I told a chemistry joke the other day.

What do you call an alligator detective?

Why did the bicycle keep falling over?