Wedding Speech Jokes

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too high.

After kissing my wife on the couch she said "let's take this upstairs".

When my wife is sad, I let her colour in my tattoos..

I asked my wife if I was the only one she'd ever been with.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

My wife says I have two faults.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

My wife accused me of being immature.

My wife asked me to pass her the lipstick, but I accidentally passed her the glue stick.

My wife blocked me on all social media.

I spent $100 on a belt that didn't fit.

My wife and I laugh about how competitive we are.

My wife said she wanted to feel special on Valentine's Day.

My wife told me I was average.

My wife says I only have two faults.

I told my wife I wanted to be cremated.

My wife said she needed more space.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

My wife keeps saying our house is haunted.

My wife asked me to go get something that makes her look sexy.

My wife told me she'll slam my head into the keyboard if I don't get off the computer.

My wife is blaming me for ruining her birthday.

My wife asked me if I was listening to her.

My wife said I need to be more affectionate.

My wife texted me a heart emoji.

My wife asked me what I was doing on the computer.

I told my wife she was drawing her eyebrows too low.

My wife left me because I'm insecure.

My wife walked in on me while I was getting dressed after a shower.

My wife wanted to go somewhere expensive for our anniversary.

My wife told me she wanted something that goes from 0 to 200 in seconds.

Today my wife caught me standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in my stomach.

Wife yells from upstairs: "Hey do you ever get a really sharp pain in your heart area, almost like someone is using a voodoo doll against you?"

I used to be a romantic and believed love was blind...

My wife just completed a 40 week body building program this morning

My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...

My wife filed for divorce today, said I am too Un-American for her.

My wife died because I couldn't remember her blood type..

I let out a huge sigh when I received another text from the guy next door. "Hey when you guys get back from the oo can I stop by to grab some ip ties and borrow your bu saw? I'll trade you for some of my ucchinis." My wife asked, "Who sent that??"

I asked my wife why she never blinked during foreplay.

My wife said that if I don't get off the computer she's going to slam my head on the keyboard.

What's the difference between a boyfriend and a husband?

My wife told me to whisper dirty things in her ear.

My wife said I should do lunges to stay in shape.

My wife told me she'll slam my head on the keyboard if I don't stop playing video games.

I asked my wife what she wanted for dinner.

My wife just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

My wife asked me if I'd seen the dog bowl.

My wife texted me "I'm leaving you."

My wife just caught me blowing my nose on the bedsheets.

My wife and I were happy for twenty years.

My wife asked me to get "ribbed" condoms from the store.

My wife just found out I've been cheating on her with a blind woman.

My wife dresses to kill.

My marriage is like a deck of cards.

My wife said I was immature and needed to grow up.

What's the difference between a bonus and a male body part?

I saw my wife's face in the mirror this morning and it scared me.

My wife told me to go and get something that makes her look hot.

My wife told me to stop playing Russian roulette.

My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.

My wife said she wanted to feel like a princess.

I told my wife she should embrace her mistakes.

My wife told me to stop impersonating a flamingo.

My wife accused me of being immature.

My wife is really mad at the fact that I have no sense of direction.

My wife told me I had to stop acting like a flamingo.

My wife told me I need to stop acting like a flamingo.

My wife told me to stop singing Wonderwall to her.

My wife asked me to stop singing "I'm a Believer."

I asked my wife to let me know next time she has an orgasm.

My wife told me I was acting like a flamingo.

My wife asked me to clean an insect out of the washer.

I asked my wife what she wanted for Christmas...

Why does Mrs. Claus always pray for a white Christmas?

Why did the snowman want a divorce?

My wife asked me to stop singing Wonderwall...

Why don't scientists trust atoms?

What do you call a fake noodle?

Why did the scarecrow win an award?

I'm reading a book about anti-gravity.

What did the ocean say to the beach?

Why do cows have hooves instead of feet?

I used to hate facial hair, but then it grew on me.

What do you call a bear with no teeth?

Why couldn't the bicycle stand up by itself?

I told my computer I needed a break.

What do you call cheese that isn't yours?

Why did the math book look so sad?

I'm afraid for the calendar.

What do you call a dog that does magic tricks?

Why don't eggs tell jokes?

I just got hit by a rented car.

What's the best thing about Switzerland?

Why did the golfer bring two pairs of pants?

What did the grape do when it got stepped on?

I asked my dog what two minus two is.

Why do fathers take an extra pair of socks when they go golfing?

What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet?

How do you organize a space party?

I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.

What's the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?

Why did the coffee go to the police?

What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

Why do bees have sticky hair?

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

Why did the banker quit his job?

What do you call a group of disorganized cats?

Why don't scientists trust stairs?

I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough.

What do you call a snowman with a temper?

Why did the scarecrow get a promotion?

I tried to write a joke about a pencil.

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

Why don't melons get married?

I made a belt out of watches once.

What do you call a dinosaur that knows a lot of words?

Why did the old man fall in the well?

What do you call a cow on a trampoline?

I don't play soccer because I enjoy the sport.

Why did the picture go to jail?

What did the nut say when it sneezed?

Why did the belt get arrested?

I told my friend she drew her eyebrows too high.

What do you call a lazy spider?

Why can't you hear a pterodactyl going to the bathroom?

I just found out I'm colorblind.

What do you call a singing laptop?

Why did the man get fired from the orange juice factory?

What do dentists call their x-rays?

Did you hear about the claustrophobic astronaut?

What do you call a Mexican who has lost his car?

Why do crabs never give to charity?

I used to be a shoe salesman.

What do you call a toothless bear?

Why did the teacher wear sunglasses?

I tried to start a hot air balloon business.

What do you call a magician that loses their magic?

Why did the man run around his bed?

What did the drummer call his twin daughters?

I wasn't originally going to get a brain transplant.

What do you call a cow during an earthquake?

Why did the man put his money in the blender?

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

Why do nurses like red crayons?

I was wondering why the frisbee kept getting bigger.

What did the plumber say when he got bored?

Why do peppers make such bad gossips?

I told a chemistry joke the other day.

What do you call an alligator detective?

Why did the bicycle keep falling over?

Did you hear about the Mexican train killer?

Some jerk stole my thesaurus like a jerk.

I asked a German girl for her number, but I'm still waiting for the rest of the digits

I went out with a grammar teacher last night. I mentioned my colon, she talked about her period.

Someone keeps stealing the wheels on my car

I heard this today about a person with many facial piercings

I published a book on lubricants

What do you call someone who can't stop watching films with strong female leads?

My landlord sent me a text saying we need to talk about how high my air-conditioning bill is.

My keyboard is missing the letter 'Z'. I asked it what happened.

I accidentally sprayed Axe body spray into my mouth.

Tablets were replaced by scrolls, scrolls were replaced by books.

My son asked If you see an Apple Store getting robbed…

They laughed when I said I wanted to be a comedian.

If I am in the middle of the ocean and I jump, but when I come down I don't hit water, what does this mean?

I love my new hobby: archery...its great

I was addicted to soap.

Paddy says to Mick, "I found this pen, is it yours?"

What kind of jeans does a ghost hunter wear ?

Do you know what a Zebra is?

Someone told me my clothes were gay.

I met my boyfriend while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...

Doctor: I'm sorry, but I had to remove your colon

The genie asked, "What's your first wish?" Steve replied, "I wish I was Rich!" The genie nodded and said, "What's your second wish?"

A storm blew away 25% of my roof last night

People told me I'd never be good at poetry because I'm dyslexic

I've recently discovered I'm terrified of elevators, so I'm taking steps to avoid them.

My Granpa knew the Titanic was going to sink the moment he saw the ship. He was screaming, warning people not to get on it!

AITA for eating my coworker's subway?

"Doctor, I think I have ADHD. I can never remember where I parked my Ford."

A guy walks into a bar and asks for 1.4 root beers.

Why did the invisible man turn down the job offer?

What's the best way to watch a fly fishing tournament?

Why do nurses like red crayons?

When does a joke become a dad joke?

I was wondering why the ball was getting bigger.

What do you call an elephant that doesn't matter?

I ordered a chicken and an egg from Amazon.

What does a house wear?

I thought about going on an all-almond diet.

What's the best thing about elevator jokes?

My son asked me to put his shoes on.

Why do dads always carry an extra pair of socks to the golf course?

What concert costs just 45 cents?

A steak pun is a rare medium well done.

Why don't oysters donate to charity?

I accidentally rubbed ketchup in my eyes.

Why did the man fall down the well?

My wife asked me to go get six cans of Sprite from the store.

What do you call a group of killer whales playing instruments?

Two guys walked into a bar.

What do you call it when Batman skips church?

What do you call a pony with a sore throat?

I used to be addicted to the hokey pokey.

How do trees access the internet?

Why did the stadium get so hot after the game?

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Why did the tomato turn red?

What do you call a lazy baby kangaroo?

I told my computer I needed a break.

What do you call a snowman with a six-pack?

Why can't your nose be 12 inches long?

I had a neck brace fitted years ago.

What do lawyers wear to court?

I tried to start a professional hide and seek team.

Why did the chicken go to the seance?

I used to be a tap dancer.

What did the grape say when it got crushed?

Why do cows wear bells?

What do you call a dinosaur that crashes their car?

I bought some shoes from a drug dealer.

What do you call a fish that practices medicine?

Why did the taxi driver get fired?

I just learned sign language.

What do you call a row of rabbits hopping backwards?

Why do bees have sticky hair?

What do you call an alligator in a vest?

I just heard a great joke about amnesia.

What did the traffic light say to the car?

I broke my finger last week.

Why don't eggs tell each other jokes?

What did the buffalo say to his son when he dropped him off at school?

I used to work in a blanket factory.

Why did the bike fall over?

What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?

I don't trust stairs.

What did the coffee say to the sugar?

Why do programmers prefer dark mode?

What do you call a factory that makes okay products?

I asked my dad for his best dad joke.

Why do ghosts love elevators?

What do you call a pig that does karate?

Why did the cookie go to the doctor?

I got hit in the head with a can of Diet Coke.

What do you call a sleeping bull?

I was going to tell a time-traveling joke.

What did the stamp say to the envelope?

Why did the scarecrow become a motivational speaker?

What do you call a man with a shovel in his head?

Why don't vampires go to barbecues?

I finally got a new hearing aid.

What do you call two monkeys sharing an Amazon account?

I'm reading a book about teleportation.

Why do ducks have tail feathers?

What do you call a pencil with no point?